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Jun. 15th, 2017

(no subject)

So what has happened since the last time I wrote? I had surgery on the 2nd. I had calcifications on my left breast. It was non-invasive, but in order for it NOT to turn into cancer, I had it to have it removed. The doctor told me that he removed it all, so I'm thankful for that. I go to the doctor on Monday so he can remove the surgical strips and I guess to see how it's heeling. I know one thing, my tongue is still numb on the tip. I hope the feeling comes back soon. It's not as bad as it was when I had my surgery though.

My boyfriend is still with me. He hasn't gotten rid of me yet. I know I probably give me the blues, but hell, so does he at times. What I wish he would do sometimes is listen to me. I can't be like his mama, his sister, his aunt's, nor his perfect baby mama's. I'm me!

Before I had my surgery, he said he wanted to start exercising and eating healthier, so I'm like cool, something we can do together. So after surgery, I was still a little sore, but now I can at least walk, can't do a lot right now cause it still hurts sometimes. Anyway, I asked him to go walking one evening, he said no. One Saturday he was getting off work early, so he texted me and wanted to know what did I want to do. I suggested 2 things but when he got off, we ended up over his sister's house to see their lawn mower. What I wanted to do wasn't ever brought up. The next day, I asked about going walking again, got a no. Monday evening, I asked again, he said he was going to go watch the game. But come Tuesday, he had a change of heart. He said we were going walking so be ready at 7. When he got home, I put my shoes on and we left. I didn't know where we were going, but we went to his sister's house. I was furious! Why? Because she's the only reason he was out there walking. He later said that since she had something mapped out, we went there to walk. But how many times had he asked where we were going walking? NONE!! His sister said that he did it for me, NO, he didn't do that for me cause if he had, it would just be me and him. I know that I should applaud his effort, but why should I get a constant no, but as soon as someone else come along with the same idea, they get a yes? He does that all the freaking time. Whenever I want to do something, it doesn't happen, but someone else say hey, that's a good idea, then he'll come back and say we should do it when I've already brought it up before. Why do men do that shit?

I came up with something to do for us on the 4th. I mentioned this on the 13th, which was Tuesday. That's 2 weeks in advance, but I guarantee that we won't be doing what I want to do. I can almost put money on it that we'll probably go to his sister's house because they'll have a cookout or something. He asked me the other day if I got tired of going to his sister's house. I don't get tired of going, but he's just over there SO MUCH! They never come to our house. And a lot of times he wants to go over there to talk about something that could have been said on the phone. I get bored being at home. I get bored being at other people's houses. I go everywhere he asks me to go, whether I want to be there or not, I'm right there. But he won't do the same for me though!


I'll be back after the 4th to see if we went or not!

Apr. 16th, 2017

(no subject)

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and I can honestly say that I love him. Yes, he gets on my nerves sometimes but that comes with the territory. My only complaint is how he continues to flirt and talk sexually to females on Facebook. What's wrong with me? Why can't he flirt with me?

I do everything I can for him. I keep the house clean. I make sure the clothes are washed. I cook. Anytime he, his kids, or his family need anything, I offer to help if I can. Im not being disrespectful to him, myself, or our relationship. All the attention he gives to other females, I wish he could give it to me.

At times when I want to cuddle, he doesn't. At times when I want his attention, he's on Facebook. At times when I want my feet rubbed, he won't do it. He tells me that he's not an affectionate person, but im not asking for this 24\7 just every once in a while.

He wonders why I'm jealous or why I don't fully trust him but he's giving me reason to be. I can post a picture to Facebook and he won't "like" it or will not even acknowledge it but I've seen him like other females pictures every time they post. If I respond to him on Facebook, he'll text me instead like he doesn't want people to know we talk to each other. I don't even think his relationship status says in a relationship. And yeah I know I shouldn't give to much to social media but he's on it all the freaking time. He has over 1000 friends and I'm sure over 900 of them are female.

I started to send messages to the females but I'm not gonna do that. He's the one at fault for acting as if he's single and available. If that was me doing that he'd have a cow. He'll never be able to tell anyone that I have cheated on him because it won't happen. He could talk to every female on Facebook and I still wouldn't cheat.

Just wish he had the level of commitment that I do.

Jan. 17th, 2017

(no subject)

Wow!! I haven't been on here in FOREVER!!!! For one, I couldn't remember my password and two, when I tried to change my password, it wouldn't let me, but since someone "liked" an entry I did back in 2014, I took that as an opportunity to see if I could log back in.

So much has happened since my last entry. Don't know when that was, but a lot has happened. Let's see:

--I bought a house in 2012
--I bought a truck in 2014
--I've been in a relationship since 2014
--I have a new position at work and I LOVE it!!
--I'm still trying to have a baby
--My sister and nephew no longer live with me.
--My dad has cancer
--My mom has been sick
--My neighbor, who's racist, has made my life hell since I've moved into the neighborhood


There are stories to go along with each of those points, but I won't get into that. I'm just glad to be able to do this again, lol.


Maybe I'll have something else to add later, but for now..............BYE!

Jun. 27th, 2014

(no subject)

I've noticed a pattern with Ray. He'll start texting me in the morning or throughout the day like we're a couple. Then when the weekend comes, he'll want to come over. After that, it'll be days before I hear from him again. But because I want a relationship right now, I haven't been giving in to him at all. Yes I like him a lot, but I'm not about to sit up here and let him keep doing me the way he's been doing. I can't expect a man to come in to my life if I'm dealing with someone that doesn't want to be in it. The guy that's for me, I hope he's way better than I can imagine and hope for.

I was watching True Life on mtv the other night and it was an overweight female on there that had a boyfriend. She was also able to have a baby and her boyfriend proposed to her. I'm sitting there like, "so what's wrong with me that I can't have those things?" I'm tired of seeing people in the news that are abusing their children and they have about 6. I see women that are so mean spirited and evil get good men in their lives and get married.

What am I doing wrong or not doing right?

Jun. 21st, 2014

(no subject)

I'm having a bad night. I'm so depressed right now. My co-worof kers invited me to the water park today's but I couldn't go since I was on my period.They're probably going to quit inviting me to places but I hope not. A lot of times I just don't have the extra money to go.

Right now i just want someone to comfort me.I want to go out on a date. I'm relationshipd of being single and doing things on my own all the time. I've heard Iyanla say that women marry their daddies but I don't want to go that route. My dad has always been there. He's always provided for us, but when it came to making decisions my mama had to do it. It's like she was independent in a marriage. I don't want that for myself. My dad was never affectionate. I don't remember him ever hugging me or my mama.I have seen one picture of them kissing. So what have I learned about men from him? I want a provider but I want so much more that he didn't give me.

Why is it so hard for me to find somebody? I've been on most of these bogus dating sites.to me they're a joke. why cant i meet a cute nice guy traditionally? I've been praying so hard to meet the man I'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with. It's just so depressing to always spend my time alone. I'm trying to be happy and content with being single but am I wrong with wanting to spend my time with someone? I don't want to be 45 or 50 still talking about I'm waiting for a man to come in my life.

Sometimes I feel I'm not good enough or skinny enough or pretty enough to get the type of man I want. Every guy I'm attracted to has the type of female that looks like a model. So what type of man do I always attract? Men that I'm not attracted to, don't have a job, car or anything going for them. Why can't I get the handsome guy with the great job, car, goals, his own place.

I've been thanking God everyday for my husband and kids. I'm trying to think positive and have faith of a mustard seed that he's going to allow me to have that soon. How much longer do I have to wait? I'm always the girl that never has anybody. Other people my age have children in college or grandkids and I haven't even gotten started with a serious relationship yet People think I'm lying when I tell them that but it's the truth. I'm 40 yrs old and I've never had a serious relationship

Jun. 20th, 2014

(no subject)

I was at home relaxing yesterday when Allison said there was water by the gate. I'm thinking something was leaking from the washing machine, so I put some shoes on to go check. Didn't see anything. I went to the backyard and the area that I had water in before was FULL again. That area was DRY and I had filled it with grass clippings to soak up the extra water i didn't get. My neighbor was outside watering his grass or whatever and the way his yard is sloped, his water ran right into my backyard. So I get the broom and start sweeping as much water out the backyard as I could. First of all, I was hot. Second, I was mad. Third, I just started my period, so I wasn't in the mood to be out there right then. Anytime he does something wrong, he leaves the house. I was outside until dark and I still didn't finish. I was almost in tears! I went in the house and told Allison that I'm gonna need some help getting that backyard done. I can't deal with this on my own.

Yesterday my mama said it's time for me to start thinking about having a baby. She just doesn't know how much I've thought about it and prayed about it. In reality, I want to be married first, then have a child, but hey, I'm 40. I've spent the majority of my life single and don't know when Mr. Right is coming along, so I'm at a lost when it comes to that situation. I don't know if God is sitting up there looking at me like, "I don't want her to get married or have children. I want her to remain single all her days." I mean, I don't know what He's thinking or doing for me in that category. I haven't had any type of blessings when it comes to that, so what I'm thinking may not be too far fetched.

Jun. 18th, 2014

(no subject)

I made a vow/pledge/commitment or whatever you want to call it to listen to Tori Kelly's song "Dear No one" until I get in a relationship. Just think if this song came out 40 years ago, lol.

http://youtu.be/njmCUJ94lUM


Here are the lyrics that describe me perfectly:

"Dear No One"

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don’t gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

I don’t really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah
But I’d love to have a soul mate
God will give him to me someday
& I know it’ll be worth the wait

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

Jun. 16th, 2014

(no subject)

I am so fed up with our neighbor. Last week a guy came to my job saying he wanted to see what was going on between me and my neighbor. I had no clue what he was talking about, but I knew who he was talking about. He was referring to Mr. Dixon. The neighbor that's in everybody's business but his own. He's more concerned about what's going on with everybody's yard or whatever than keeping his nose at his own house. Anyway, a guy (he was very cute by the way) from the city came to my job last week because of some standing water in my backyard from the tons of rain we had. He suggested that I get an old broom and sweep it out. I got home and I did that. I got as much water out the back yard as I could. It resulted in getting mud in his yard, so I'm sure he'll complain about that. As I was working doing that, he was in his backyard listening to everything me and Allison were talking about. He came to the front calling himself looking around. We've been in that neighborhood for 2 years and he's had so many complaints about what we haven't done. First he wanted to know when am I having the tree cut on the side of my driveway. The tree doesn't bother me, but in the Fall, leaves are in his yard, so of course that's a problem. When the Fall came, I waited until all the leaves fell from that tree and the one from the backyard before I started to rake. I came home one day and he wanted to know when was I going to rake the leaves out of my yard. I said, "As soon as I get some time!" He's called Animal Control on us because he said he didn't see any food or water outside for Roxie. If we didn't feed her, she'd be skin and bones. She ALWAYS have food and water, whether she's inside or outside. We know how to take care of a dog, TRUST! My last resort is to put up a privacy fence. I want it so high that he'd have to have a fire truck's ladder in order to see into our yard, lol. He never comes to us and says anything, he just automatically calls the city and then he says he doesn't want any hard feelings. I don't speak to him. We've told Jalen to stay out of his yard and when he's outside, we let Roxie in the house. His wife needs to tell him to mind his own business before someone does something to him. He told a woman that lives on the corner what she needs to do to her house. He called the police on some people because he hadn't seen the woman sitting outside and said they were selling drugs. A guy was riding a dirt bike down the street and he told him he couldn't ride it anymore. Hell, everybody can't have a perfect yard 24/7. He's home all day because he's retired. If it bothers him that much then he should get out and cut everybody's yard while he's at home and see how far that gets him.


OAN: I'm still single! LOL!!

Oh yeah and Rhonda doesn't talk to me anymore. Since she has a boyfriend, she doesn't even answer my text messages.

May. 30th, 2014

(no subject)

Yesterday at work, we are all standing around the desk talking and the conversation came up about one of my male coworkers either choosing between me or my mama. He chose her. That just kinda did something to me. Of course I didn't react to it, but that's all I thought about when I got home. I've been looking on POF to find a man, but I don't even know why I'm wasting my time. I'm not paying to reply to someone. I want to meet someone the old fashioned way.

May. 28th, 2014

(no subject)

Last Monday at work, I saw a coworker talking to this guy. As they were walking down the stairs, i looked at the guy, then I did a double take and said to myself, "he's cute, i'm gonna ask Robert about him." Then I watched out of the window to see what he was driving or even if he was driving. He walked to a Charger with rims on it. I said out loud, "awww shit!" I had to laugh to myself because i don't talk like that, nor do I care what someone is driving, but to see the car and the rims means he has a job. Robert use to hang out upstairs a lot, so I knew I would have to catch him later on that day and ask about the guy because I was very curious now. Just so happens Robert came upstairs about 10 minutes later wanting me to help him with something. I talked myself out of asking him about the guy because I thought, "guys that look like that don't like girls like me", "guys that drive cars like that surely wouldn't be interested in girls like me", but something told me to ask him anyway. So I did! I asked the basic questions. Single? Girlfriend? kids? job? He told me he's divorced and he has kids because he's paying child support. he works at evergreen, which is a great job in this city. he said he hasn't seen him with a female, so he said he would call him for me. Like I said, that was a week ago. Robert called him. I was standing right there. he never answered his phone. He said the guy works a lot. But still, it's been a week. I'm thinking maybe he has a girlfriend. Or maybe he remembered who I was and isn't interested. i'm just ready for a change. something different. i want to come out the gate running. he would do it. to have a great looking guy like that with me would just be the icing on the cake. i'm tired of meeting bums and non-attractive guys. let me get the bomb.com guy for once in my life. if he was a bad guy, Robert would have told me. I don't want to start doubting myself, but it's been a week. I'm always waiting on something to happen. yes i could look him up in the system and call him myself, but i don't want to seem like a stalker or desperate. I want him to come to me and we go from there. oh well....

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