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I have a vivid imagination. I try not to think or daydream about my life because when I do,  it never happens. I want to create a baby. I've been imagining us having a girl. I really don't care. I just want the baby to be healthy.

I feel inadequate to the women he's already had kids with. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone but at some point in time we've all done it. I've inherited kids and grandkids but I still want my own.

I don't want to be talking about this a year from now. Still wishing I had kids. I need it to be a reality.

I am full of doubt. I am 43 years old and although I want to be positive and keep the faith, my heart is feeling otherwise. I watch my boyfriend with his kids and grandkids and I have so much envy and jealously in my heart. I constantly pray JUST to conceive. I want a child. I want to be a mother. I want to be called "mama". I want to experience being pregnant and giving birth. I don't even feel like a woman. I know having kids doesn't equate womanhood, but not being able to get pregnant means my body has failed me. So many women that don't even want children are able to have them and I can't. WHY??? My period is due in 2 days, but the way I feel, it's coming sooner. I hate that the desires of my heart may not be fulfilled. I just feel sick that the only thing I've ever wanted in life may not happen. It's hard when I see women push out babies back to back and I can't even get pregnant with one. My body has failed me and sometimes I don't think God is listening to me or if He is, the answer is NO! I try to have sex during my fertile period. Maybe I'm not fertile. I am just heartbroken. Too many things are against me. I'm never gonna be a mother am I?

I think too much. I took some company time today,  so I've been off work since 12:30. Had to take my daddy to the doctor, I did my treatment, went to the bank and then came home to be with my sweetie. He's been on facebook the whole time. Not really different from when we're together anyway but I want some attention. He doesn't do this when we're at other people's houses so why can't I have your undivided attention like you give other people? Let me stop complaining. 🤐

Aug. 14th, 2017

Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a girlfriend. If your boyfriend doesn't even want to sleep next to you at night, then it must be me. He says the mattress is uncomfortable, so he chooses to sleep on the couch every night. So I said I was getting rid of the couch, but he said he would just sleep on the floor. How hurtful does that sound? I bet when he lived with other females they didn't have to ask or beg him to sleep in the bed with them. He probably just did it naturally. So why am i so different? Why can't my relationship be all things? If I say something to him, then I'm being labeled as complaining or having an attitude. I can't afford a new mattress right now. It took me a long time to pay for that mattress set and the bed. It'll always be uncomfortable until you start laying in it. I couldn't even sleep last night. I pushed the pillows on the floor. I cried most of the night. I doubt if he cares. I'm probably the least of his concerns. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the way. I always try to be optimistic about a future with him, but I don't know what's gonna happen. I have to do all things and be all things just for him to consider me being his wife. Sometimes I wonder does he ever think about how I feel about things? Does he ever say that he wants a future with me as his wife? Does he ever think about having a baby with me? And if not, why? Why don't I measure up? It's been 3 years, almost. He said he would have married 2 from the past, but why not me? What's wrong with me?

Aug. 10th, 2017

So I forgot to update on what happened on the 4th of July. I wanted to go to Little Rock. They were having activities and a firework show at the end. It rained, so I can't really fault him for not taking me, but I knew we were going to end up at his sister's house all along. I just wanted for once to do something I suggested and not go to his sister's house. No matter what we're doing, we always end up over there for any old reason.

July 5th, I started taking radiation treatments. 33 treatments exactly. I've been going everyday for the last few weeks. I'm almost done. These breasts are always giving women the blues.

Aug. 10th, 2017

I love my boyfriend. I really do! We've been together almost 3 years and for me that's an accomplishment considering how guys never wanted me in the past. I just pray that things progress for us. I would love to be married and have at least 1 child. I know he has children and a grandchild, but I want a family too. I pray and cry out to God all the time, but I feel like they're both conspiring against me. They're both saying NO to me. But why?? Why don't I deserve to have the things I want in life? I have a house, car, decent job, but I want my own family. I know he doesn't want those things and it saddens me daily that he feels that way. Or maybe he want those things, but he doesn't want them from me. I remember him telling me that he would have married his 2 baby mama's but he doesn't say those things about me. He talks about them like they're perfect, but I don't get that feeling when he talks about me. It's always something negative when it comes to me. He says that I have this fantasy relationship, but what's wrong with me wanting us to hold hands in public or us to be affectionate or for him to cuddle with me or just for him to sleep in the bed with me. He says the mattress is uncomfortable and he doesn't get any sleep, so he sleeps on the couch every night. The couch is for when I'm mad at him, but he uses it as his bed. It hurts me every night that I have to sleep alone. I've done that all my life and I thought by us living together, we would be a normal, loving couple. He'll probably just see me as complaining or say that he'll leave so that I can be happy. He's quick to say he'll leave. That's his #1 thing. If he decides to leave, then my life will be the same. I'll still be single. I'll still sleep in the bed alone. And I still won't have any children. I'm sure he doesn't care though. He has kids, so why would he try to make my dreams come true?

And other thing, I'm always willing to help with his kids or whatever, but he doesn't want to give me one. Why? He knew from day one that I wanted kids, but he still decided to pursue me. Why is he always telling me no? What have I done wrong in my life to not get the things I want?


So what has happened since the last time I wrote? I had surgery on the 2nd. I had calcifications on my left breast. It was non-invasive, but in order for it NOT to turn into cancer, I had it to have it removed. The doctor told me that he removed it all, so I'm thankful for that. I go to the doctor on Monday so he can remove the surgical strips and I guess to see how it's heeling. I know one thing, my tongue is still numb on the tip. I hope the feeling comes back soon. It's not as bad as it was when I had my surgery though.

My boyfriend is still with me. He hasn't gotten rid of me yet. I know I probably give me the blues, but hell, so does he at times. What I wish he would do sometimes is listen to me. I can't be like his mama, his sister, his aunt's, nor his perfect baby mama's. I'm me!

Before I had my surgery, he said he wanted to start exercising and eating healthier, so I'm like cool, something we can do together. So after surgery, I was still a little sore, but now I can at least walk, can't do a lot right now cause it still hurts sometimes. Anyway, I asked him to go walking one evening, he said no. One Saturday he was getting off work early, so he texted me and wanted to know what did I want to do. I suggested 2 things but when he got off, we ended up over his sister's house to see their lawn mower. What I wanted to do wasn't ever brought up. The next day, I asked about going walking again, got a no. Monday evening, I asked again, he said he was going to go watch the game. But come Tuesday, he had a change of heart. He said we were going walking so be ready at 7. When he got home, I put my shoes on and we left. I didn't know where we were going, but we went to his sister's house. I was furious! Why? Because she's the only reason he was out there walking. He later said that since she had something mapped out, we went there to walk. But how many times had he asked where we were going walking? NONE!! His sister said that he did it for me, NO, he didn't do that for me cause if he had, it would just be me and him. I know that I should applaud his effort, but why should I get a constant no, but as soon as someone else come along with the same idea, they get a yes? He does that all the freaking time. Whenever I want to do something, it doesn't happen, but someone else say hey, that's a good idea, then he'll come back and say we should do it when I've already brought it up before. Why do men do that shit?

I came up with something to do for us on the 4th. I mentioned this on the 13th, which was Tuesday. That's 2 weeks in advance, but I guarantee that we won't be doing what I want to do. I can almost put money on it that we'll probably go to his sister's house because they'll have a cookout or something. He asked me the other day if I got tired of going to his sister's house. I don't get tired of going, but he's just over there SO MUCH! They never come to our house. And a lot of times he wants to go over there to talk about something that could have been said on the phone. I get bored being at home. I get bored being at other people's houses. I go everywhere he asks me to go, whether I want to be there or not, I'm right there. But he won't do the same for me though!

I'll be back after the 4th to see if we went or not!
I have been in a relationship for 2 years and I can honestly say that I love him. Yes, he gets on my nerves sometimes but that comes with the territory. My only complaint is how he continues to flirt and talk sexually to females on Facebook. What's wrong with me? Why can't he flirt with me?

I do everything I can for him. I keep the house clean. I make sure the clothes are washed. I cook. Anytime he, his kids, or his family need anything, I offer to help if I can. Im not being disrespectful to him, myself, or our relationship. All the attention he gives to other females, I wish he could give it to me.

At times when I want to cuddle, he doesn't. At times when I want his attention, he's on Facebook. At times when I want my feet rubbed, he won't do it. He tells me that he's not an affectionate person, but im not asking for this 24\7 just every once in a while.

He wonders why I'm jealous or why I don't fully trust him but he's giving me reason to be. I can post a picture to Facebook and he won't "like" it or will not even acknowledge it but I've seen him like other females pictures every time they post. If I respond to him on Facebook, he'll text me instead like he doesn't want people to know we talk to each other. I don't even think his relationship status says in a relationship. And yeah I know I shouldn't give to much to social media but he's on it all the freaking time. He has over 1000 friends and I'm sure over 900 of them are female.

I started to send messages to the females but I'm not gonna do that. He's the one at fault for acting as if he's single and available. If that was me doing that he'd have a cow. He'll never be able to tell anyone that I have cheated on him because it won't happen. He could talk to every female on Facebook and I still wouldn't cheat.

Just wish he had the level of commitment that I do.
Wow!! I haven't been on here in FOREVER!!!! For one, I couldn't remember my password and two, when I tried to change my password, it wouldn't let me, but since someone "liked" an entry I did back in 2014, I took that as an opportunity to see if I could log back in.

So much has happened since my last entry. Don't know when that was, but a lot has happened. Let's see:

--I bought a house in 2012
--I bought a truck in 2014
--I've been in a relationship since 2014
--I have a new position at work and I LOVE it!!
--I'm still trying to have a baby
--My sister and nephew no longer live with me.
--My dad has cancer
--My mom has been sick
--My neighbor, who's racist, has made my life hell since I've moved into the neighborhood

There are stories to go along with each of those points, but I won't get into that. I'm just glad to be able to do this again, lol.

Maybe I'll have something else to add later, but for now..............BYE!

Jun. 27th, 2014

I've noticed a pattern with Ray. He'll start texting me in the morning or throughout the day like we're a couple. Then when the weekend comes, he'll want to come over. After that, it'll be days before I hear from him again. But because I want a relationship right now, I haven't been giving in to him at all. Yes I like him a lot, but I'm not about to sit up here and let him keep doing me the way he's been doing. I can't expect a man to come in to my life if I'm dealing with someone that doesn't want to be in it. The guy that's for me, I hope he's way better than I can imagine and hope for.

I was watching True Life on mtv the other night and it was an overweight female on there that had a boyfriend. She was also able to have a baby and her boyfriend proposed to her. I'm sitting there like, "so what's wrong with me that I can't have those things?" I'm tired of seeing people in the news that are abusing their children and they have about 6. I see women that are so mean spirited and evil get good men in their lives and get married.

What am I doing wrong or not doing right?

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